This seems like a heavy topic, but I don’t really want it to be.
I’m not talking here about horrific, disturbing trauma that only some people experience in their lives (although the same thing applies). I’m talking about the ordinary things that happen to all of us.
- Being bullied on the bus (you OR your kids)
- Being humiliated by a well-meaning coach
- Being brushed off by a caregiver whenever you tried to speak about something important to you
- Breakups, Divorces, Losses of all kinds
- Serious Illnesses (either yours or your kid’s)
By this stage of the game, we’ve all been through at least a few shitstorms and survived, right? Maybe you’re still going through it? So many of my clients in recent weeks have been dealing with REALLY difficult situations. It’s like the whole world is a shit show right now. If you are, you are NOT alone! How can we have balance when the world is going to Hell in a handbasket??
Well, the only way we can have it is We have to CLAIM IT!
Balance really requires a lot of discipline and good boundaries. It’s actually hard work to maintain balance. It’s not something that’s just going to “happen” for us.
If we don’t claim our time for ourselves, someone else is going to claim it for us. Sometimes that’s ok. Suppose you’re a parent and a spouse/partner you have to prioritize your kids’ needs and your partner’s needs at times. If you have aging parents, they have to come first sometimes too. The problem is when everyone else ALWAYS comes first. We can easily fall into that trap and have nothing left to give. As a therapist, I used to really struggle with this. It made me feel good to “be there” for people. But eventually, I got burned out, as we all will if we’re overgiving.
So How Does Trauma Play into this?
Our past traumas form beliefs in our unconscious that “Drive the bus” of our life. In order to live a balanced life, we need to, first of all, believe we deserve a balanced life. On the surface, consciously, most of us believe that. Unfortunately, it’s not the conscious desires that matter. It’s our unconscious belief systems that really determine the kind of life we are going to lead.
If something happened along the way that made us feel unworthy or gave us the message that we are only “good people” if we do a bunch of stuff for others or if we were raised to equate hard work with worthiness, it’s going to be extra hard to balance our life.
If somewhere along the way, we got the message that putting our own needs first was “selfish,” it’s going to be a lot harder to maintain the boundaries we need to set in order to have true life balance. We’ll keep taking on more responsibilities in hopes that we can feel less selfish, but the truth is we just get burnt out!
By the same token, if we receive love and a sense of being “good enough” through achievement, it will be hard to let go of the prioritization of achievement-related activities in favor of things that would provide us with a sense of balance. We may find ourselves overworking, over-scheduling ourselves, and even overcommitting to volunteer work. Whatever we do “too much of” can be an indication that we are trying to override toxic beliefs unconsciously.
So What Can We Do About It?
First, we have to do a deep dive into figuring out what is out of balance in our lives and really begin to question what the underlying belief is that is driving the bus of that particular imbalance.
Let’s say you overcommit to work on projects. Next time you say yes when you really want to say no, go deeper.
What is the underlying motivation that keeps you from saying no? For example, is it fear of getting fired? Is that even a realistic fear? Or were you harshly punished for small mistakes as a kid, and now you anticipate disastrous punishment even when there’s no logical evidence that the punishment will occur? This is a simple example, but I think you get the point.
All of these different flavors of beliefs play into our ability to really create the life we want, whether that’s a balanced life, an abundant life, or even a life of glamorous adventure!
We can only create what we believe we are deserving of, worthy of, and that aligns with our unconscious expectations of ourselves.
The way through this is to constantly examine the things that aren’t working in your life and look for the beliefs that inform the choices that lead to this outcome. Even things that seem random or out of our control, if we look deeper, we can begin to understand out our day-to-day choices and beliefs lead to this outcome.
For example, your car breaks down on the freeway. It seems like something that happened “TO you,” right? But maybe if you look deeper, you realize you chose to put off scheduled maintenance because you had to take a friend to the airport or were too busy at work. Or you may find that you purchased a cheaper car because you felt you couldn’t afford the more expensive, reliable car. This is logical, but if you look back at years of your spending habits, you might find that choices you made decades ago have led to this situation. Right?
This isn’t to say that everything is all your fault. It’s really to say that it’s all “trauma’s fault.” We have these beliefs, and they make us choose certain things. It’s not our fault, but it is the reality. If we can bring these belief systems into our conscious awareness, we can begin to heal these faulty beliefs and start to make choices that line up with our best expectations instead of our worst.
This is a lifelong journey. In fact, I believe working this stuff out is our reason for being on the planet in the first place: to become more conscious and to heal. When we become more conscious and heal, then we can truly spread the love and goodness that is so needed in this world today!
Give me a call or drop me a line, and we’ll get you started on this most rewarding path of life!
Lunar Living for this Week:
Today is the Full Hunter Moon in Aries and tomorrow is the 10/10 Portal. These are very powerful times to connect to your vision and your heart’s desires. Aries is active, moving forward energy so it can feel intense, but also proactive and positive.
Here are a few tips to get the most out of this energy:
- Good time to charge your crystals.
- Write down things that you want to let go of and burn the list (safely).
- Capture any ideas that might be “illuminated” in the full moon.
- Pay attention to your emotions which may be heightened in the full moon.
- Spend time outdoors in the moonlight and connect with the creature that you are.
- Disconnect from tech (even for an hour).
- Spend time in nature reflecting.
- Anything else that speaks to you!